In Loving Memory of Fear

Graphic Design by Kay P. Beck

     I used to be afraid of thunder and lightening. The sound of thunder would scare me under the covers and if it got too bad, I would run in my mother’s room and ask to sleep with her. The rumble was always loud and forceful as if God was angry with me. Thunder was personal. When I was younger, I would cry and jump every time the thunderous sky lit up. A storm meant a sleepless night. The only people who knew about my phobia was my mom and my grandparents. Even as I got older and went away to college, my grandfather would call or text me warning me of an upcoming storm. He would try to soothe my conscious by affirming everything was going to be okay and there was nothing to be afraid of. Grandaddy’s word is law. If he says I’m going to be alright, then I knew it had to be true. That was until the first bolt of lightening lit up my room and the thunder shook my bed. 

    Sophomore year of college the fear of thunder and storms diminished. I remember laying in my dorm listening to a huge storm. It was spring and the week of final exams. I was exhausted. There was no way I was allowing the storm to keep me up all night. So, I overcame it. How? It’s so simple it’s often overlooked. I made a decision. I decided I wasn’t going to keep putting up with the fear of them. I said a prayer and went to bed. Now, I sleep straight through both. Storms have seemingly become the background music to adventurous dreams advancing my stream of consciousness. 

    Looking back I find my fear of storms dubious. The fear itself was comfortable. I knew what to expect. If a storm was coming I would be afraid, stay up all night, fall asleep after it was over, and be tired the next day.  It was the unknown of what would happen when I fell asleep that I was really afraid of. Lately I’ve been finding myself dealing with the same fear in a different realm. The fear of success; and failure for that matter. It’s hard to put in words. I’ve been a freelance writer for three and a half years, and even though I’ve had a few congratulatory stops and “successes” along the way, its nothing like being close to one of the big goals and unsure about the outcome. Let’s refer to the book of Drake, album Nothing Was the Same, track 2 Furthest Thing where he raps the beginning of the song:

                Somewhere between psychotic and iconic

                Somewhere between I want it and I got it

                Somewhere between I’m sober and I’m lifted

                Somewhere between a mistress and commitment

    Drake’s lyrics are referring to that gray area in the journey to success. It’s almost as if you’ve come a long way from where you used to be, but success is in view. You can see it. At first starting out the idea of it was so far fetched that you thought to give it a try anyway. Fear was a rush. Then after years of working on your craft, some wins and more losses, you see it. The vision becomes clear and behind it is the road of the unknown. It’s not something I could pray away. Reciting scriptures doesn’t make for peace when I didn’t internalize them. 

    So here we are today. For the last few nights I’ve been losing sleep, having hard time focusing, all due to the anxiety of something that hasn’t even happened yet. So, just like with the fear of storm, I’m making a decision. Today is the day I bury fear. Along beside it will be its friends resistance, what ifs, and the opinions of others. Toying with negative what ifs is what I believe the key to failure because I’ll end up psyching myself out of doing the work. So from now on, I will live in the now. What needs to be done today. One step at a time. I don’t want to grow old and live a life of what if I had done it? What if I would’ve gotten out of my own way?

    It sounds simple, but I know it’s going to require a lot of work. Some times all it requires is change of perspective. So here’s my challenge. There are 23 days left in 2015. It is said it takes 21 days to break a habit or start a new one. Every day until the New Year I’m waking up and reciting Marianne Williamson's quote below to myself in the mirror. Will you join me?

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkeness, that most frightens us. We ask ourself, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

In Loving Memory of Fear.

You were a pain in my neck.

-Signed a renewed mind.