Patrice
Hubby: Baby what are we having for dinner?
I toss my phone on the passenger’s seat without answering. I can’t right now. Today has been long and I’ll deal with home when I get there. Now Nathan picked up Jr. from school today and I’m sure they’re home by now. Instead of starting dinner or giving me the night off by ordering in, he chooses to text me. Taking a deep breath, I start my countdown 10-9-8-7-6…. one thing at a time. To avoid a small dispute later, I reach over and grab my phone.
Me: Fish, spaghetti, and a salad?
Hubby: 😍 Sounds good. See you when you get here. Love you.
Me: Love you too.
Starting up the car, I pull out the parking lot and head home. Why didn’t anyone tell me being a wife and a mother is a full time job? Between the two it’s a constant tug of war for my attention. “Mommy can you sign this?” “Baby have you seen my..” Most days I’m able to hold it together, but not today. Work is stressful, my cycle is due to start tomorrow, and I keep having random migraines. I’m turning 30 in two weeks, and I can’t say this is how I saw my life playing out.
Don’t get me wrong because I love my husband and my son. Having little Nathan was the best thing I could’ve done. He’s the smartest five year old I know and to see him smile makes everything worth it. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that I married the right man. Nathan and I were college sweethearts. We met freshman year at a scavenger hunt the Deltas organize to help first years get better acquainted with campus. He proposed the day we graduated and soon after we moved back to St. Louis and started our lives together. He is patient, attentive, honest, supportive, and a great provider. Even after seven years of marriage my heart still flutters at the sight of him.
When we got married we promised each other that we would make an effort to keep it spicy. No matter how busy we are we have date night at least once a week. Nathan let’s me plan one date a month and the rest I never know what to expect. Last week he planned a surprise midday picnic in Forrest Park and salsa dance lessons the week before. We have so much fun together. Every Wednesday morning there are fresh orchards in the center of the dining room table. Mornings start with prayer together and the bedroom is steaming at least three times a week.
But just like with anything, my life has its downsides. Somewhere between being wife and Mommy I’ve lost myself. I would never let the words sway off my lips, but I don’t always feel fulfilled. What about what I want? Does that matter anymore? I feel ashamed to even think it, but isn’t my happiness just as important as my family? I double majored in art and communications. I’m an artist. Graphic design, painting, and sculpting is where my purpose lie. I was figuring out my lane when I found out I was pregnant with Jr. Nathan was fine with being the sole provider, but because of our new addition, we both agreed it was better if I took a job. Just until we were a little more comfortable.
That was five years ago, and I’m still working as a claim agent for an insurance company. I haven’t drawn anything in about two years. I don’t have the time. Sometimes I wonder if I moved too quickly. What if Nathan and I would’ve gotten married a few years later and I was able to really find myself as an individual? I look at my college friend Jamie’s Facebook page all the time. She up and moved to LA to pursue a career as a journalist. Now she’s on TV working for Entertainment Tonight and going to all these fancy events with celebrities. Isn’t that what 30 is supposed to look like? Adventure, fun, spontaneity, and pursuing personal goals.
She’s always wearing a beautiful dress and her makeup stays flawless. It’s not like I’m walking around in sweats, but I wouldn’t mind switching wardrobes with her. I bet you she has some fancy assistant that goes and get her coffee like I see on TV. She probably has some fine actor as a boyfriend. I wonder if she lives in Beverly Hills? She has it made. Out there in all that constant beautiful sunshine and summer weather. If I lived in LA I would be on the beach everyday painting the sunset. What would there be to stress about? She only has to take care of herself. I know it’s not right lusting after someone else’s life. I don’t want hers. I want a better mine. When my art room became a nursery it was as if I was celebrating a birth and a death simultaneously. Ecstatic about the birth of my beautiful baby boy while mourning the death of my dreams. Something has to change, but it won’t be today.
Pulling in the garage, I grab my purse and my phone and enter the house. Time to start dinner.
“MOMMY’S HOME!”
